Looking back...Looking Forward...Change.

Looking back today...to 2009. Depressed...bitter...confused...one word...Change.

Change in my marriage
Change in my best friendship
Change in my Job
Change in my role as a Pastors wife

Change...change change...

Have I mentioned that I don't like change? It takes me awhile to adjust to be honest.

In December of 2009...I was at the bottom of a pit & didn't know how to crawl out.
I needed help.

My friend Stephanie from New York comes every Christmas & we have coffee. One simple
conversation gave me hope. She told me about a website called Leading &  Loving it. 
I had no idea how much that would impact my life. I was craving a friendship...understanding...
a true relationship that accepted me for who God called me to be in my life.

A friendship that I had held dear to my heart, like a sister... ended without any warning & I had no idea why really...besides the fact that I was a Pastors wife & she no longer wanted to have
any thing to do with church or me & she began shutting me out. I was depressed. I was consumed with
it day & night & let it tear me up on the inside. I longed to call...go to her house & just spend time
with her...but she made it very clear, she wanted nothing to do with me. Never had anyone shut
me out of their lives...I didn't know how to handle it. And to be honest...I didn't handle it well.

I began to question my call to be Matt's wife. Why would He call me to be a PW? I was/am a mess. I let Satan tear me up & begin to have his way with my heart. I felt unworthy. How could someone who was so close to me be turned away from church & my family? I must be doing something wrong. I must be letting God down. I must...I am...I was...who does Stephanie Thomason think she is anyway?
I must have talked to her to much about church life...never again will I do that I thought. I am the reason she no longer loves God's church. She couldn't handle it. I was to open...to real.

My job as a preschool teacher ended rather harshly. I felt useless for awhile...I began to sub. Which has lead me to the most amazing job today. God always leads us when we follow.

Matt left the role as the youth minister & began a new position as the Campus Pastor. I was lost at church...didn't want to go...felt so alone there...out of my element...bitter. I missed youth ministry so much my heart ached to go back. And again...no close friend to help me thru this time. Loneliness.

I remember Matt & I having one of the worst fights we have ever had Christmas day in 2009...it wasn't his fault. I was the lost one. I was the lonely one. He was trying so hard to help me...but he couldn't fix me. That's when God lead us to marriage counseling. One of the best choices we ever made in our marriage life. I believe it truly changed our marriage & saved us.

Since that time...my life has changed. Changed for the good I'm learning. I can't say I have a deep friendship like the one I had before. Maybe that is good...maybe God pruned that off because I had put to much of myself into it & not into what he has called me to be....Matt's wife & Lauren, Brooke & Jaden's mom and mostly His servant. Not what someone else says I am. I don't think that friend would have ever encouraged me to pursue my role as a Pw like I have & so He knew it must end. I tried to reach out to her last year & again she made it very clear that she doesn't want my friendship. I just wanted to sit & ask...Why? What exactly did I do that made you end our friendship? But God did give me a peace about her & that's all I needed.  So it is what it is...Matt was very clear I was not to reach out to her again or read her blog ever again. He was tired of me being hurt & sad & it was time to move on. He is wise.

Why am I looking back...because I am looking forward. I am praising GOD for what he has done in my life over the last 2 years. I am so grateful for my Leading & Loving it group of ladies. I have 5 amazing ladies He has given me that love me...encourage me...pray for me & make me laugh!! And guess what? They are a HOT mess too!! I love it! Not only do I have these 5 ladies...I have many others that God has given me to seek advice & see me for who God has created me to be. I have discovered many of them have been hurt in friendships within their church & I'm not alone after all. My friend Lori Wilhite who head up Leading & Loving it...has impacted me from the first time we spoke on the phone. She is pushing me...encouraging me & showing me how to lead as God wants me to lead.
Lori...thanks for showing me...it's ok to be who I am. Don't change that.

For many years I have had a heart for other PWs. I have always wanted to reach out to other PWs & show them it's ok to not be the typical PW. If you can't play the piano...sing...and you aren't this mild mannered quiet wall flower of a gal...IT'S OK!! The Typical PW probably doesn't & never has existed!!! So I started with my PWs here at FCC & that's how it all began. Change.

I have been given an opportunity to share my story to many women. Yes...I have been ask to speak at a Retreat at Ozark Christian College where I went to college. I am nervous...excited & want to pee my pants!! LOL! I will share how this all came about in another blog because to be honest....this is a long one today. But it all comes back to one conversation God lead me to with my friend Steph. You never know how a conversation can change a life. I am thinking of sharing some of what is in this Blog post at OCC  & that is why I am writing this...to begin to gather my thoughts.

Change...it comes even if we fight it. Make peace with it...grab hold of God & get out of that PIT!
Thanks for letting me share my heart today. I have had this on my mind lately...I'm truly blessed to be
where I am in life. Thru the heartache...He brings JOY.

HOPE...

a 4 letter word that Changes a life & made this PW realize who God created her to be is Best!